gut feeling

OK. I LOVE the ocean. I love it. I don't even know if it's possible for me to express just how except to say it is like the incredibly amazing feeling you have when you sit next to someone you love absolutely and in that beautiful second of complete understanding of one another you just sit and hold hands in perfect silence. I don't know; I just want to be near it. For me, being in the ocean feels like the closest thing to the truly sublime I have ever experienced.
It also scares the fucking hell out of me.
Thing is I daydream about the ocean a lot. Every day, I can't wait to get home and get down to the beach. If the conditions are on, I want to get in the water. The problem is this picture constantly flashes through my mind. Most surfers don't talk about how they feel about it - most blow it off. I've learned to fight it off most of the time; I learned to ignore it or work my head not to think of it - but it's an effort, it's work. There are times when it's front and center and I just cannot ignore it, I cannot get it out of my head, and it's at those times that it keeps me out of the water.
guts, no guts? maybe I'd like to hang on to my guts? I don't know.

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